Looking Back on the Future

Looking back on the future? Yes, you read it correctly. I don’t know how to describe it differently, as I realized that more than half a year has passed since last September and it still seems as if - although living in London - this is the future I have never really thought would be my present someday.

But I should maybe start from the very beginning.

Pretty much a year ago I was mentally preparing to start writing my bachelor thesis. The last semester of my undergrad was dawning. Yet, I was already thinking about where to go next. What now? I knew I had 4 months left and should rather focus on the things that need to be done. And I did. However, I was secretly thinking about the next chapter of life. Master’s. Somewhere abroad? London? Long story short, I thought living and studying in this city would always be a dream and instead I’d end up somewhere nice but not really…what I might have had in mind. 

I was taking my chances. I sent the application and before I even had the chance to think about a possible reply I received an email. I couldn’t believe what I was reading as I must have been the wrong addressee. Nope. This email was meant for me. And guess what? I got accepted. My excitement was indescribable. However, I needed a moment to realize what just happened - I call it a positive state of shock. But all of a sudden this “OOHH MYYYY GOOOOD” hit me hard. 

Yup, and from this point on it was clear: I would be doing my Master’s in London. No biggy.

OH yes, it actually was. I got the last semester over with and finally received my very first degree. I knew I was about to start a great, yet very scary next chapter of my life. I lived abroad when I was sixteen and I’d say New York is even farther than London. What a surprise. But it was less about the distance than about what this city would hold for me. Now, I had to find a place to stay and trust me (you Londoners know), this was not as easy as I thought it would be. London is extremely expensive and finding a decent room really was a challenge. But I even managed those obstacles with the help of my supportive parents and especially my mom. I am more than grateful for that.

And now, more than half a year later, I eventually paused for a moment.

It is a weird feeling when you reach that certain point in your life where everything around you freezes for a second…or two…and you start realizing what has happend up to this very moment. 

And here I am, re-living or rather re-thinking the past six months. This “certain feeling” is kicking in. I have to admit that time could please slow down . If only a little bit. 

Now, these memories pass by and I am remembering everything I have experienced so far: slight culture shock (really, just a slight one, I mean, it’s a new city after all), good times at tons of new places, new food culture(s), encounters with all kinds of people…I can’t complain, for I have got a good number of new impressions. And these will last, which is the greatest gift. Simply priceless. 

It is hard to describe it but I can tell that all this has had an immense impact on me and the way I see things now.

I am not sure yet where life will take me in a few months time, after I have graduated. It scares me everytime not knowing where I will be going because I am over-enthusiastic when it comes to planning my whole being, basically. It freaks me out not knowing what’s going to happen next year. I know, I now should really slow down and believe me, I keep telling me this. It’s like a mantra. Over and over again. However, not knowing where you will be in the near future can, paradoxically, be the best feeling in the world. It’s addictive. It leaves you dreaming and thinking about how life should and would be perfect. It’s all in your mind. It’s all up to you. It’s what you make of it. 

The future, is it written? We know: not yet. (Mr. Jason Mraz knows it all).

I begin to know what I want. I feel drawn to distant places. I am afraid London has ignited this feeling of restlessness that has already accompanied me for so long.

I stay up late and wallow in memories as well as mainly thoughts concerning my future. These are the rare moments when the past and rather unknown future merge. 

This is when I look back on the future.